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Letting Go
Rebekah Ciezkowski
She pulled into the driveway with one thing on her mind. How would she say good-bye to this man she loved so much? She would not cry. She couldn't. If she did, it wouldn't be convincing. He wouldn't believe she was really ready to let go.
Approaching the door, she began to straighten her hair. Why had she left the car windows down? Her hair could not be untangled now. She would knock anyway. Once, twice, three times, she knocked. Would he answer the door? Of course he would. That much she knew. No doubt he had gone back to sleep after their conversation earlier this morning. After the fourth knock, he was standing in the doorway.
No words. "Don't cry," she told herself. "Just smile. Smile that same smile you've given him a million times."
Finally she was able to speak. "I had to see you. There is something I have to say, and then I'll leave."
He sighed and shook his head. He had heard the same thing too many times before.
"She'll cry," he thought, "then she'll say she can finally let me go.”
Several mornings lately had started this way, but today would be different. She had had enough. As he climbed back into bed, she sat next to him. Beneath her the comforter was warm, and the familiar scent of his room, like muddy shoes masked by blueberry candles, washed over her. As she gathered her thoughts, she tried to make sure he was comfortable before she began. His comfort and happiness were always first on her mind, even when she was unable to show it.
"I started over here to scream at you," she said. "I wanted to cry and hit you and yell and let you know how hurt and angry I am. Then about halfway here, I realized that I'm not hurt. I'm not angry. I love you, and I am so glad to know you.
"You love me. I don't doubt that. We are soul mates. I don't doubt that either. God sent you here for me. I know that. I thought and hoped that it was forever, but maybe, He sent you here just long enough to rescue me." He smiled. She knew he was actually listening.
"I walked into this relationship knowing that you did not want it," she continued trying not to tear, "that you were not ready for a commitment. All my sleepless nights and screaming and crying can't change your mind. They are only causing pain for me. I am through with that. I decided a long time ago not to be miserable any more. So, I am letting go.
"I am going to hold you and smell you." She loved the smell of his skin, just as he loved the smell of her hair. Even as she said it, she thought of all the times they had leaned over for no apparent reason, just to be near, just to breathe in the sweet scent of love. "Then I'm going to leave.”
"I won't call or stop by. But, if you ever change your mind about forever, call me. Even seven years from now, you can call. I am going to love you forever. You know that. I just want you to be happy, and you can't do that while I need commitments. So, call. I want you, when you're ready, fences or not.”
He was afraid of fences; he was a free spirit. Part of what she loved so much about him was that freedom. How could she ask him to give up the very thing that had saved her? In all her life she had never known anyone so incredible. Love abounded in him. People loved to be near him; he had a charm about him. She never felt bad in his company. Like a sweet summer day he had swept into her life. He had given hope, taught joy and real love, and inspired character. Never could any man replace him.
Rebekah Ciezkowski
She pulled into the driveway with one thing on her mind. How would she say good-bye to this man she loved so much? She would not cry. She couldn't. If she did, it wouldn't be convincing. He wouldn't believe she was really ready to let go.
Approaching the door, she began to straighten her hair. Why had she left the car windows down? Her hair could not be untangled now. She would knock anyway. Once, twice, three times, she knocked. Would he answer the door? Of course he would. That much she knew. No doubt he had gone back to sleep after their conversation earlier this morning. After the fourth knock, he was standing in the doorway.
No words. "Don't cry," she told herself. "Just smile. Smile that same smile you've given him a million times."
Finally she was able to speak. "I had to see you. There is something I have to say, and then I'll leave."
He sighed and shook his head. He had heard the same thing too many times before.
"She'll cry," he thought, "then she'll say she can finally let me go.”
Several mornings lately had started this way, but today would be different. She had had enough. As he climbed back into bed, she sat next to him. Beneath her the comforter was warm, and the familiar scent of his room, like muddy shoes masked by blueberry candles, washed over her. As she gathered her thoughts, she tried to make sure he was comfortable before she began. His comfort and happiness were always first on her mind, even when she was unable to show it.
"I started over here to scream at you," she said. "I wanted to cry and hit you and yell and let you know how hurt and angry I am. Then about halfway here, I realized that I'm not hurt. I'm not angry. I love you, and I am so glad to know you.
"You love me. I don't doubt that. We are soul mates. I don't doubt that either. God sent you here for me. I know that. I thought and hoped that it was forever, but maybe, He sent you here just long enough to rescue me." He smiled. She knew he was actually listening.
"I walked into this relationship knowing that you did not want it," she continued trying not to tear, "that you were not ready for a commitment. All my sleepless nights and screaming and crying can't change your mind. They are only causing pain for me. I am through with that. I decided a long time ago not to be miserable any more. So, I am letting go.
"I am going to hold you and smell you." She loved the smell of his skin, just as he loved the smell of her hair. Even as she said it, she thought of all the times they had leaned over for no apparent reason, just to be near, just to breathe in the sweet scent of love. "Then I'm going to leave.”
"I won't call or stop by. But, if you ever change your mind about forever, call me. Even seven years from now, you can call. I am going to love you forever. You know that. I just want you to be happy, and you can't do that while I need commitments. So, call. I want you, when you're ready, fences or not.”
He was afraid of fences; he was a free spirit. Part of what she loved so much about him was that freedom. How could she ask him to give up the very thing that had saved her? In all her life she had never known anyone so incredible. Love abounded in him. People loved to be near him; he had a charm about him. She never felt bad in his company. Like a sweet summer day he had swept into her life. He had given hope, taught joy and real love, and inspired character. Never could any man replace him.